Multiple Sclerosis: Mindset Adjustment

I’m trying to keep my mindset positive while living with multiple sclerosis. Not so much that I’ve found a silver lining about MS (I don’t think there is one) but just finding little things every day that are good.

I’ve had six months of rough days. Mentally rough, physically rough, emotionally rough. It’s so hard to go up and down stairs now and if I walk too much I lose the ability to move my left leg. Some days I’m so tired I can’t even function.

It sucks sometimes and I get down in the dumps. I used to love taking long walks and I can’t anymore. Hiking was something I loved to do, and then I couldn’t. I danced, then I couldn’t. No more sprinting, now I can barely walk. Power-lifting was out.

Then it was March and I decided that I had to stop sitting around being disabled. I’d rather shuffle around at a slow pace, trying to live my life than constantly sit around unable to do the things I wanted to do. But once I decided to be active again, finding out how physically hard everything is now was a kick in the face so I haven’t been very consistent until very recently.

But is multiple sclerosis really to blame for all of that?

I spent 6 months being really sedentary. I did some easy yoga, that’s it. My GP didn’t want me doing any intense workouts for awhile until we got a better idea what was going on and my physical abilities were really limited anyway. I didn’t feel safe weight-lifting, I couldn’t run or jog, and I couldn’t dance anymore. Thanks, Multiple Sclerosis. You’re an a*hole and nobody likes you.

I spent a lot of time sitting, and when sitting became too tiring, I lay down. I slept a lot more. Cam insisted on lifting and carrying everything for me. The physical requirements for my life dwindled to practically zero for six months.

Maybe I can’t run anymore, and maybe I’ll never be able to do another sprint in my life. But despite my neuro deficits, I can always be fitter.

Maybe stairs are always going to be hard now, but I can be fitter so maybe I’m slightly less tired at the top.

If I can’t do long walks anymore, I can probably bike in the warmer months. I can work back into power-lifting if I’m really careful once the pandemic ends.

Having a brain stem lesion makes things challenging enough, I can’t continue to be sedentary and let my fitness dissipate any further. My brain lesion might not repair, but I’m sure I can improve other fitness markers, like cardiovascular health or overall strength.

It’s so easy to get out of a fitness routine if you can’t be active. I’m sure anyone who ever suffered an injury or significant illness understands what I’m saying. Initially, I couldn’t be active and then it was a mindset thing.

I’d been inactive initially because of necessity, then stayed inactive due to inertia.

Another mental trap I need to avoid : If I’m sitting and not moving, I don’t feel disabled. My neuro deficits aren’t apparent, and I can forget for a little while that I have multiple sclerosis. That was really comforting for awhile but it’s not good for me.

I’m going to have to once again establish a regular exercise routine, and if it’ll sometimes remind me that I have multiple sclerosis, then so be it.

Multiple sclerosis or not, maintaining physical activity is all mindset. Once I’m in the habit of sitting on my backside, it’s hard to get off it. Once upon a time though, up until my brain broke last October, being active wasn’t hard because I was in the habit. I needed to force myself to get back into the routine of being active ever day. and it definitely got easier once the weather stopped being so gross.

I’ve gone back to doing yoga in the morning after a few weeks off the wagon, so to speak. I still did it a few times but if I don’t commit to it daily, it becomes so easy to just skip it or tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow.

Mid-afternoon I go for a little walk outside and then 20-ish minutes of resistance training. It’s not super intense or anywhere where I was six months ago, but it’s a start.

The immediate effects of getting back to being active are mental. My mood is definitely better when I’m getting regular exercise. I sleep better. My anxiety is reduced. Going outside every day helps me make vitamin D and after time outside I feel better.

And the stupid thing is, even though for years and years I’ve known how much better I feel mentally and emotionally when I’m being active, I still sometimes let myself slide into inactivity. I should know better, for my mental health if nothing else.

The last six months have been hard. Getting back into shape might be hard too, but I know which hard I’d rather deal with.