Finally Recovering? A Splendid Update

The last few weeks have been fantastic. I’m hopeful that I’m finally recovering from this MS relapse.

I’ve done two fasting mimicking cycles in three weeks (see my post about it here) and I feel really good. I had leg heaviness for six months that made stairs really hard. It resolved a few weeks ago, except rarely at the end of a day if I’m really tired. My balance is improving and my energy is better.

The day after I ended my second fast, I had to go for blood work as per my family doctor and my neurologist. The results started coming in the next day.

Great news!

My immune cells and inflammatory markers are normal for the first time in at least six months. Maybe longer? Six months ago when my brain broke was the first time I had blood tests since my physical in 2018. I’ve had blood work regularly the last six months. My immune cells and inflammatory markers started to decrease in February but they were still higher than normal. Now all the basic blood work and urinalysis is showing that I’m the picture of health.

I’m so happy my immune system has calmed down. I’m also happy that yesterday, I balanced on my left leg for 40 seconds. My balance has been really bad for a long time but it’s so much better now. I’m still able to balance on each leg to get dressed and I can still get my left leg into pants under its own power, no manual assistance required.

I’ve been working out 4 days a week since the end of April, after my first fasting cycle. They’re short workouts, about twenty minutes, but it’s getting me back into weight-training.

I went for a walk today in the rain. I carried my cane but I didn’t have to use it. I’m not sure if it’s because I took the big dog, who forces me to take frequent breaks while he sniffs and pees on everything, or if it was the cool weather, or if it’s neuro recovery but the foot drop didn’t kick in during the half hour walk. It has been consistently kicking in at twenty minutes of movement. There were a few stumbling steps once I was back in the house because I was less focused on walking but it went back to normal really quick.

The neurologist from the MS clinic phoned me on the first of the month and I had a couple of rough days emotionally.

Then I got a crappy attitude, because this is not going to be my life.

For months, the healthcare system has jerked me around. My doctors are awesome but the system isn’t. Someone summarily cancelled my June MRI and the MS clinic hasn’t been able to reschedule it. I gave 14 vials of blood last week for the neurologist, as he’d ordered several specialized blood tests for a variety of immune system disorders. The day I got all my basic results, all the special blood work says ‘cancelled’. I need to figure out what the deal is, but if some administrator without a medical license cancelled my special blood work AND my upcoming MRI, trust that heads will roll. I’m on the verge of becoming a giant pain in the ass for the healthcare system.

But I digress…

I’m tired of this stupid healthcare garbage upending my life and stressing me out. I also don’t trust the system to help me get better. The June MRI would help determine what kind of MS I have and determine my best treatment options. The special blood tests were to rule out other autoimmune disorders so we make sure I’m taking life-altering medications for the right disease. So now I sit, almost seven months into this ordeal, unable to explore my treatment options or start any treatment because Alberta Health Services is a marginally competent, ridiculously inefficient organization. It hasn’t improved in the last ten years.

I think there’s more redundancies and middle managers though.

I decided that I needed to double down on my efforts to get better. Like it was my full-time job, I refocused on getting better. I stopped using or even thinking the word ‘disabled’. I’ve swapped ‘disabled’ and ‘disability’ for ‘recovering.’ I’m recovering. My physical abilities get better every day. I’m getting better every day.

I know, that’s bordering on some new-agey stuff. But I just think the words we use, whether it’s out loud or internally, are powerful. If I keep telling myself that I’m disabled, that becomes my identity. My mind starts to accept that I’m disabled and maybe my body follows suit and no good comes of it.

I’m not disabled. I’m recovering from a central nervous system injury.

I stopped telling myself things were hard and just did them. Instead, my mindset became ‘Oh well, get over it and get ‘er done.’ Am I truly having a stellar recovery right now and that’s why going upstairs is easier, or is it because I’ve stopped focusing on how hard it was? I don’t know but I’ll take whatever little wins I get.

It’s not that I’ve reached a blissful, zen place of acceptance. It’s more like I’ve reached a place of ‘f**k this sh**.’ I refuse to have my life reduced to doctors’ appointments and being given the runaround by the system. I refuse to have my entire life focused on disability and fear about my future. I’m still afraid for my future but I refuse to focus on it. I just acknowledge the thought when it pops into my head and then I find something else to occupy myself with. I can’t always stop myself from going down a dark, anxiety-filled rabbit hole but I can try my best to avoid it as much as possible.

So far, what I’ve been doing the last few weeks is working so I’ll keep it up. I’m resisting my natural inclination to overthink everything. If I’m recovering, I’m recovering and it doesn’t really matter that I completely understand why or how. I’m just grateful that this MS relapse is finally starting to resolve.

I’m not disabled, I’m recovering from a central nervous system injury 😉