Boundaries, Abusers, Alcohol & Mean Girls

I’ve only started establishing boundaries in the last couple years and I’ve learned that you can learn a lot about people when you set boundaries for your self-respect and well-being.

You also learn a ton about people when they don’t get what they want.

In future, I’m going to set boundaries sooner as a way to learn who someone is very quickly. Like a lightning round of friendship. If someone can’t respect basic boundaries, it tells me a lot.

For years, I avoided confrontation because it was dangerous. Even once I was safe, I had no boundaries. If I considered someone a friend or loved one, they’d hit the codependency jackpot. I’d let them walk over me and get away with anything because they loved me.

I had a really skewed idea of what friendship was and what love was. I’ve put a lot of work into myself in recent years, unlearning detrimental habits and behaviours while I work through cPTSD. It’s hard to comprehend that I don’t have to light myself on fire to keep others warm, but I’m getting there.

Learning that it’s okay to set boundaries has been harder.

In the past year, I removed two women from my life. Unknown to each other, but both of them betrayed me and broke my trust. They did it maliciously, just so we’re clear. This wasn’t a minor thing like saying something hurtful without meaning to, or letting a secret slip accidentally. I’m talking full-on mean-spirited malicious intent and that, I can’t abide. But it really had little to do with me and a whole lot about their personal issues that would be best addressed in professional therapy so I don’t take stuff like this really personally for very long.

I’m a big believer in the saying ‘If I cut you out of my life, you handed me the scissors.’

With my loved ones and friends, I’m pretty easy-going. I’m not easily offended or overly sensitive but loyalty is really important to me. If you damage my business, my professional reputation, make me look like a bad person, or say mean things about me to perfect strangers in a public setting then we’re obviously not friends and I’ll make sure we’re on the same page about that.

I’m not mean about it. It’s usually a very simple explanation and I’ll wish them well and I move on. Holding anger isn’t worth my brain stem.

You only get to betray me once.

I realized last night there’s a few women who hate my guts, and that was an interesting revelation. They don’t hate my guts because I screwed them over or did something bad to them. They hate my guts because I set boundaries with them, so I’m okay with the fact they hate my guts for that reason. I might even feel a little good about it.

If the only people who despise me feel that way because I wouldn’t let them disrespect and walk all over me, I can live with that. I’ve come a long way!

One hates my guts because I finally told her I didn’t want to continue being her friend after she kept contacting me to get together and was getting more insistent with every text and voicemail. When she pushed me for a reason why I didn’t want to hang out, I told her it was because she was treating me and her other friends like garbage and I felt that our values were different. She responded my telling me that I deserve Multiple Sclerosis and my daughter deserves her brain tumour (diagnosed when she was 16 but it’s benign and not growing) because I’m a terrible person and this is ‘karma.’

Thanks for reinforcing exactly why I didn’t want to be your friend anymore, mean girl. I also think you don’t really understand the concept of karma if you’re saying things like that about people and their children.

Another one hates my guts because I cut ties after she made me look bad on a professional level during a contract I held. I saw it, the other 4 medics saw it, the client saw it, staff working for the client saw it. She apologized, which was nice.

Not immediately afterwards, mind you. She only apologized when other people mentioned that I was mad. She decided to apologize more than a week after the incident only to save face, not because she felt bad about what she’d done. It was just PR.

It wasn’t what she did that made me cut ties. It’s how she apologized.

She justified the apology by stating that her behaviour was only a reflection of MY behaviour and what I was upset about hadn’t actually happened. She wanted to explain what had ACTUALLY happened and then I’d see that I’d had it all wrong but as a true friend, she was willing to let it all go and move forward.

Funny how I had 6 separate people who didn’t know each other, and were never in the same space, tell me the same story about stuff I witnessed myself as well. Perhaps they all concocted the story telepathically while separated by anywhere from 20 to 50 miles?

Yeah, that’s way more plausible.

She kept pushing via text (after midnight, no less) for me to phone her immediately so she could explain why I was wrong about what I thought she’d done wrong. She would have been smarter to make a legitimate apology, then shut up and let me be for awhile.

I tried to gently establish boundaries. I pointed out to her that it was after midnight and I wasn’t going to talk about it at this hour because I was in bed.

Full disclosure: Things in our friendship had been not great for awhile. I freely admit that my issues around alcohol are my own, but I do get uncomfortable around people who need to have alcohol all the time, regardless of time or place. She did a whole lot of score-keeping, which I didn’t like. There was a whole lot of drama, unreliability, and frankly being around her wasn’t fun or enjoyable anymore. I became the person she vented to about her unhappy marriage, and it never stopped. But I stuck it out, because she was my friend and friends stick by no matter what.

Until that night last year. After she sent me several escalating texts, I texted her that I hoped she got help with her problem drinking and until she did, I didn’t want to hear from her again.

After that she turned into a vindictive mean girl and even though she’s pushing 50, decided to be a petty tween on social media.

Whatever, but thanks for reinforcing that I was right to set boundaries, mean girl.

All of these people have very similar psychology, including the woman I blocked last night. I’ve rarely blocked anyone but the level of crazy yesterday necessitated it. If you don’t want to respect my boundaries which include not harassing me online at all hours, I guess that’s what the block feature is for?

This woman is like the other two I removed from my life for my own well-being. They screw up, they apologize, then they get mad that we don’t immediately go back to the way things were. These broken folks apologize, but not because they genuinely feel bad about what they did or about the consequences their actions might have caused for someone else. They say they’re sorry only because someone is upset with them and calls them out on what they did. The purpose of the apology is really because they feel bad that you’re upset with them, and they want you to absolve them of their guilt by telling them everything is fine and you totally forgive them so they feel all better and don’t lose any sleep about it.

I’m not a Catholic priest and 5 Hail Marys isn’t going to repair the trust you broke.

I forgive people pretty easily. What these women don’t understand is, I can forgive someone and move on but that’s not the same thing as everything is back to the way it was. I can forgive people and no longer be friends. I’m not a rude person. If I run into a former friend, I’m polite and respectful because I’m an adult. We might even be casual pals who go for coffee and talk about superficial things or interact on social media or do group activities. But if you break my trust, I don’t give second chances. I can be friendly, but people I can’t trust don’t get back into my inner circle.

Most of my life, I gave hundreds of chances. I spent years with an abusive, narcissistic alcoholic. So many apologies! The apologies never led to changed behaviour, though. He used to apologize, then get really angry when I didn’t immediately stop being upset and tell him how amazing he was. He’d tell me that my reality was wrong, and his was the correct version. He’d tell me that he was sorry, but if I hadn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t xy or z, he wouldn’t have had to do what he’d done. He wouldn’t have lost his temper or reacted the way he did so really, his behaviour was my fault.

I owed him. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t (fill in the blank about any accomplishment or success I ever achieved). If he did something nice for me, he’d be sure to remind me about it 87 times for years. He kept count of ‘nice things’ or ‘favours’ he’d done for me, to convince me that he was a great guy. I should recognize how lucky I was that he tolerated me. Nobody else would ever want me. Nobody liked me, by the way. Everyone else was out to get me. He was the only person who really cared about me and if I just didn’t make him so mad…

He’s not even the first or only person to manipulate, gaslight, or betray.

I heard ‘no one likes you’ pretty much non-stop the first 30 years of my life. It doesn’t hurt me anymore, but it does signal me about the person I’m dealing with. Even if it were true, I think there’s something a bit wrong with someone who would lash out and say such a thing to someone else.

The other woman who screwed me over last year, the one that I blocked last night, apologized back then after I phoned her about the gigantic PR mess she’d created for my company. She used my company name to attack another business woman online and made me look really bad because it appeared the vitriol was coming from me. I would never attack someone online. It’s just beneath me. Even if I intensely dislike someone, there’s no point in behaving like an ass towards them or being mean. It would reflect poorly on me, and it’s mean. I can be angry, I can be blunt, but I don’t need to be mean.

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not a saint.

When I’m angry, I get sorely tempted to just let someone have it. I have a temper and mean things I could say pop into my head.

The thing is, I don’t often let them pop out of my mouth though. I value self-control and maturity. Just because I’m angry or hurt is no reason for me to lash out at someone else. Getting angry or expressing my anger verbally is fine but I try really hard not to be mean or make personal attacks. I can be angry without being mean. Some people think being angry or hurt or upset is license to be as mean as you want. Then you just apologize and it’s all good. Anything you do or say is completely erased once you apologize, right?

You can’t unring a bell. You can’t unsay hurtful things, and you certainly don’t unhear them.

When I got back to Canada last year from vacation and turned my phone on, I had voicemail and an email from the woman who’d been attacked on social media, along with her own business. I phoned her and it broke my heart when she asked what she’d done to make me be so mean.

I’m not sure what made me angrier: that I and my company now looked like a bunch of unprofessional, immature yahoos or the fact that this young woman thought I was mean and in some way behind the online attacks while I was out of communication in a different country.

So the offender apologized and I accepted the apology, but as far as I was concerned, she was no longer a friend. I’ve had mean people around me most of my life, and I don’t need to have them in my life now. Someone who’ll go online, drunk or not, and attack and denigrate someone just because they don’t like them? Not someone I want to be friends with because, in my opinion, it speaks to their character.

I also don’t give passes for drunk behaviour. After living with an alcoholic and also being a Paramedic for almost 20 years, I firmly believe booze doesn’t change you.

It reveals you.

The last few days, this woman had messaged me many times through Facebook. I responded politely to a few, and then went about my days which include a lot of physiotherapy and neuro rehab. I might not be working right now, but I’m busy nonetheless and I’m exhausted.

Last night, things got weird.

I think I had my bath too warm. My entire left side decided to take the night off and I really struggled to get myself out of the tub. I could barely move and I tried to use my phone to call my husband at work and tell him he needed to come home. I’d been feeling like garbage all day and now things weren’t going well.

While trying to work my phone with my hands that weren’t cooperating, the phone started blowing up. It was this woman again. Repeatedly. She hasn’t found boundaries yet that she gives a crap about.

I couldn’t respond with my MS hands fast enough to keep up with the barrage of messages.

She informed me she’d done me a favour. I should friend her on Facebook to sell more books. She was promoting me even though we weren’t FB friends, and she didn’t do that for just anyone. I would sell more books if I friended her because she had 1500 friends. Why was I mad at her? I could hate her if I wanted but she wasn’t going to apologize again (no one asked her to, by the way) because she’d already apologized even for things she hadn’t done but because other people had been influenced by her and had done bad things and while that really wasn’t her fault, she’d apologized anyway.

Finally, using voice-to-text I told her that I was not well and having difficulty moving. As in, I don’t want to deal with this right now because it’s not a priority. Then I told her that I’m aware she apologized and she might recall that I accepted her apology. I told her that people only get to screw me over once, and she did. If she wanted to promote my book out of the kindness of her heart, that’s great but if not, it’s not necessary that she does me any favours. I told her again that there’s no hard feelings and I wish her well, but she can’t fix the trust she broke.

She skipped right over the fact that I wasn’t physically okay.

We progressed to how she’s not sure exactly what I think she did wrong, but she’d love to talk about it over the phone. I reiterated that I’m ill, trying to keep my stress low, and she wasn’t helping.

She skipped right over that, too. Boundaries have always been something she struggles with and I had clocked it as something to be careful of long before we had our falling out last year.

Instead of respecting normal boundaries, she instead stated that lots of people wanted to ‘see me go down’ but she’d always been supportive of me. My reality wasn’t her reality. What was I blaming her for now, she wanted to know. I wasn’t the person she remembered. The situation was a good lesson for me to learn because I was harsh and unforgiving but she’d always been a good friend to me.

I stared at all of this and felt deja vu.

I’ve seen this movie. There must be a playbook for narcissistic jerks that they all commit to memory. I was at fault, I owe her, I’m unforgiving, she was the good person, she was supportive, people wanted to see me fail but not her, she’d already apologized, she wasn’t even sure what I was upset about (I’ve told her repeatedly and truthfully that I’m not upset, I quit caring a year ago) and that my reality is obviously different from hers but she’s willing to forgive me and move forward just like old times.

How big of her. I’m so lucky she even tolerates me.

There was also some things that I took as vague threats, like telling me several times that she screenshots everything.

I shrugged at this. I’ve put nothing in writing I’m embarrassed about, so put it up on a billboard if it makes you happy. I said what I said. If I say something, it’s because I mean it, not because I’m reacting in the heat of the moment.

I said again I was not well and I wasn’t rehashing anything because it was over. I was setting some boundaries. She didn’t care. Even called me a name.

Finally, I knew that I’d had enough of the gas lighting, the entitlement, and the attempts at manipulation. Attempts at boundaries hadn’t worked and I simply refuse to waste any more of my precious time and energy with broken people who think everyone else in the world is the problem.

Finally I informed her that I don’t owe her my friendship or a presence in my life and I blocked her from contacting me again.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

A year or two ago, I would have lost it. I would have been hurt. Heart pounding, I would have laid awake most of the night. Sick to my stomach, I would have physically vibrated from stress. I would have been terrified wondering what her vague threats meant because I’ve been threatened by a monster who had a really wide and sick mean streak who always followed through on a promise to make me sorry.

I did feel all that, for a couple minutes. Old nervous system habits are hard to break. But I took some breaths and reminded myself that she’s irrelevant to my life. Despite what my fight-or-flight response was trying to convince me of, there is no real threat. I have nothing to fear.

What is she going to do, tell people I’m a jerk? Make up lies about me? Show people the texts where I told her I was unwell and I wasn’t rehashing this anymore? Oh my god, what a bitch to stand up for herself and maintain boundaries.

She might show the guy who screwed me out of thousands of dollars last year the text in which I said knocking him out would be worth the assault charge. That’s a true statement, and I don’t care who knows it.

I’m not afraid.

I’m afraid of waking up blind tomorrow. (Thanks, Dr. Feel Good from the MS clinic.) I’m afraid my disabilities won’t improve any further and my life will continue being this hard, or get harder. I’m afraid my husband will die prematurely and I’ll lose my lobster. (Friends fans will get this reference.) What worries me is how I’m going to pay the mortgage and feed my family in a couple months when CERB is over. This nut job? I’m not worried about her.

I’m not afraid anymore to set boundaries. If it means that in order for people to like me, I have to be a doormat, then I don’t care if people don’t like me. I’m not afraid of the effect an unimportant, random person can have on my life.

I have other, more important priorities.

She said I’m not the person she remembers.

That was the only accurate thing she said during the whole conversation.