Life Begins At 40(ish)

I saw something online recently that said, ‘your 20s and 30s are just research, life begins at 40.’ I think it came originally from Carl Jung. He theorized that it’s in our forties that focus shifts from external achievement to inner fulfillment.

The past few years, I’ve had a real shift that I’ve come to enjoy. I’ve stepped into an era that’s the softest I’ve ever been and also the most cutthroat. I feel at peace right now, and I’ll cut a bitch if they try to interfere with it.

Before 40 (remember my brain broke a few weeks before my 4oth bday) I worked a lot. I was driven to achieve but there was never an endpoint. I achieved a goal and then I was off after the next one. Then I needed something else to strive for or accomplish. Resting, what’s that? Always pushed through everything because I wasn’t a whiny baby. I was a woman doing it all and thriving! I worked, I ran a couple businesses, I raised a child, I managed a household, spoiled several rescue animals, grocery shopped, handled all the meals, coached wellness clients, trained for a fitness competition, ran Spartan Races and Tough Mudders, made and sold soap and body care products, did all the scheduling, etc.

Then my brain broke and I turned 40 right after. A few months after that, governments declared a pandemic.

Everything ground to a halt, which might have been a blessing in disguise. It let me grind to a halt too to adjust to my new normal without demands on my time or energy. I never ever thought I’d say this but my entire life (and brain stem) blowing up just as I turned 40 let me heal in ways I hadn’t given myself the time or grace to allow.

I realized my life until that point had been defined by the roles I filled for others. Wife, mother, paramedic, friend, the one you could turn to if you needed help and wouldn’t let you down. I was everybody’s 2am call for help, whether it was a huge fight with a boyfriend or someone called 911 while I was working, or someone needed bail. I liked those roles, being the one people could count on to solve problems or decide on a course of action or help in some way.

But suddenly, those roles were gone. Who was I if I wasn’t giving my all to everything and everyone around me?

My daughter was grown and had been gone for a few years, living on her own in the city. Long term friends rallied around me. My husband became the best husband ever, taking care of all the things I used to handle without a complaint or giving any indication that it was a burden. When I had my second big flare up and formed a lesion in a vital brain area, he was my caregiver until I recovered. He brushed my hair, learned how to put it up, helped me move safely around the house, helped me dress and undress on the days I needed help, tucked me into bed at night with pillows under and around my joints and I didn’t have to worry about a thing except getting better.

All while working full-time. He even managed to get promoted twice in the last six years despite what was going on with me at home.

Things eventually stabilized and life went on. My main business started to grow rapidly in 2022 once things opened up. That growth has continued each year since. I shut down my other two businesses, too. They’d been just little side hustles to keep me busy when my main business was in its slow season from September to July every year. Because I had to be busy at all times! Then suddenly my slow season wasn’t really slow anymore and my peak season extended from May to October.

Initially, I went back to university to finish my degree but after a few semesters I realized I didn’t want a degree. I was writing A papers in all my classes and doing well on all my assignments but I just didn’t care. I didn’t want to be busy all the time anymore and I had no urge to accomplish another goal. Especially since it wasn’t even a goal that I was that passionate about, I just thought I should continue my education.

So I withdrew from school and focused on myself.

When I wasn’t working or organizing medical staff for various clients, I did whatever I wanted or felt like. I napped when I was tired, worked out when I could, and did physio like it was a full time job. Other than that, I watched mindless television and good movies, read books, shopped online, had luxurious bubble baths, discovered self-care, and new musical artists. It was crazy to realize that my worth isn’t determined by how much I can do for others and for once, I was my priority.

I didn’t feel any urge to do a damn thing I didn’t want to do. I also don’t obligate myself to anything I don’t want to. There’s no more pressure to say yes out of guilt or feeling like I ‘should.’ Being 46 now, I’ve dropped should from my vocabulary. If I start to think, ‘I really should…’ my very next thought is ‘so I’m not gonna.’

‘Should’ has no place in my life anymore.

I was a devoted mom until she was an adult taking care of herself. I think that’s the trade off when you have kids. The kids get all your time and energy to get them off to a good start. Moms end up on the back burner. It never burned me out or made me feel like I was missing out on anything even though I was a very single mother for years. (No co-parent at all and no help from family, I was it 100% of the time.) I figured we only have them for a short time before they’re grown. I’d focus on myself when she got older. But even then, my entire identity remained based on what I offered to others.

My husband dotes on me even though I don’t do much that benefits him anymore. Well, I pick the meals and pay for our weekly meal service? Occasionally, I do some laundry or a household task. He’s a large part of why I’ve realized my value as a person isn’t based on how productive or accomplished I am. It’s not dependant on what I can do for others. He’s a big fan of the fact that I exist and I don’t need to do anything else to earn care or help.

My worth isn’t diminished because I walk funny or need help sometimes.

My inner circle loves me for my existence as well. No one’s batted an eye that I can’t do a bunch of things for them anymore. They’re very successful, accomplished adults so they don’t need me to rescue them. My relationships are no longer transactional.

The ones that were transactional ended when I stopped being the one to carry the relationship. I had little to offer anymore in the minds of a few. I’m not sad about it, I don’t miss them or the performative nature of the relationship. That’s the problem with people-pleasers who feel the need to take care of everyone else in order to earn regard and in some cases safety: we tend to attract the needy, the broken, and the bottom-feeding.

I relax now, which was a foreign concept for 4 decades.

I only work outside the home 3 months of the year. A few times in the summer, I get to travel out of town to coordinate and oversee medical staff in remote locations. The rest of the year? After being in business 20ish years, I probably spend a few hours a week on administrative work and I send others out into the field. The rest of the time I just enjoy life as best I can. I do what I want when I want, and I’m incredibly grateful that I started a business a long time ago when I was young and able-bodied and capable of working through the exhaustion of everything I had to take care of by myself.

Things can change in an instant so I never forget how awful things would be if I hadn’t been diligent about building a business all those years ago. I never thought one day I’d wake up unable to work on an ambulance ever again. Hell, I’m unable to even ambulate much on bad days.

Jung had it right that the need for external accomplishments is replaced by inner fulfillment. I realized awhile ago that I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted to in life, so what was I chasing? Either chasing or running from or both. When I was younger (and before a lot of therapy and hard inner work) I desperately wanted to stop feeling broken. Turns out it was a lie.

I was never broken.

There were just things to work through and process. For 40 years, I let my energy and focus pour out towards other people until I had nothing left for myself. Having everything external just stop gave me the opportunity to address the internal I’d been ignoring by keeping constantly busy.

Life is really peaceful now. Inside, I feel no pressure, no need to keep up with the Jones. I don’t need to earn rest or care. I don’t feel like I can’t take care of myself because other people need me more. My nervous system has quit living in fight-flight-fawn and I know exactly who I am.

Even better, I like who I am.